You Frighten Me...

More than anyone I've ever known because when i start to feel just the least bit comfortable with where we are, you find some indirect way to demolish what little progress I think we've made. I have Come to find the person i thought i knew is full of secrets and feelings that he didn't trust me enough to share with me. Instead he pores his heart out to the world. Is it just so much easier to divulge your innermost thoughts to strangers as opposed to the person who loves and cares for you greatly. I was like Alice in Wonderland. You just wanted to get in my head. You allowed me to live in a fantasy world, believing it was safe to be utterly naked with you. I DARED to feel ok, comfortable, safe. I can never let my guard down around you. I'm no longer sure if i ever knew you. I believed you could never know a person. I wanted you to prove me wrong. I cuddled close to you at night, i cried to you. You knew my fears, my nightmares. You told me not to worry, you told me to believe in us, you said you loved me, but you failed to let me know when you stopped and hit 'neutral'. You denounced everyone who hurt me. You weren't just my boyfriend, you were my friend. You said When it comes to relationships 'you give your all 100%'...well then why do i feel like i was the only one who actually jumped? Now i'm drowning. Not because you left, but the way you left. i feel like our relationship was a sham, because you left me out in the dark about everything. I tried, i really did to put it behind me but i can't, because the magnitude of what you've done makes me really wonder if i did something to offend you, i failed you somehow, to make you hurt me so badly. Girls are bitches and bitches are despensable. If that is truly what you believed all along i have nothing but tears of pity and digust for you.

Happy Father's Day.

Its Father’s Day
You ask me where’s my dad.
He’s gone I reply. He tried to stay,
But God said it was time to go
And he had to leave.
Can you call him? you ask
I call out to him, but there’s no response
Can you hear him, you ask?
No but I hear his voice echo in my memories
Can you see him, you ask?
No but when I close my eyes I see his face
Can you visit him?
No, but I can lay flowers where we put his remains to rest
You ask me again, where is your dad?
I reply ‘I don’t Know’
Where ever he is, is he happy there?
I reply ‘I hope so’.
Say I love you. Hug dad, see dad, hear dad, call dad.
Don’t let petty things keep you.
We are temporary. Every day with him is beautiful.
I cry out at the top of my lungs Happy Father’s Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And I cry till my throat is sore
There is no response.
I leave my card and flowers.
I hope somewhere out there, he can hear me, see me, hug me
From beyond this mist that separates my world from his.

Sums up what i'm feelin.

Poem by Derek del Barrio


i kick myself
i've made the mistake of complacency
and now i'm paying the price
i've made the mistake of being a pussy
and trying to be too nice
and now i kick myself
for all the previous hesitations
because not being myself
has led to all of these frustrations
i don't want to live in the past if i can help it
but the road ahead is slippery as i drive it
i've made the mistake of stupidity
and now i kick myself
i kick myself for when i hesitated
i kick myeslf
i'm so frustrated